December 2010
1 post
genderviolence asked: I run a tumblr about gender violence and related issues. With your permission, I would like to post about your site. Your story and strength is incredible and inspiring.
Much love,
genderviolence
Much love,
genderviolence
November 2010
3 posts
12 tags
Broken
[Trigger warning: this post is about the aftermath of sexual violence and makes references to self-harm]
I am not who I was before. I was Sunday morning pancakes, happy poem writing underneath the pine boughs in our yard. I was walks to the park with new friends, best story telling, campfire starting smokey s’more maker. I was arms tucked around my grandmother’s neck, nudging my...
tenderhooligan asked: Hey there. I have just come across your blog and read some of your posts. Your blog is very powerful and I am very moved by your posts. I also want to tell you how sorry I am about what happened to you, and how much I admire you for choosing to survive. Keep well.
4 tags
A secret
[Trigger warning: this post discusses sexual imagery and the aftermath of sexual violence]
I post naked pictures of myself online. I’m not talking tasteful nudes, either. Thighs spread, fingers wet, cunt gaping, face offscreen. I cover identifiable objects in the background, the drawing on the wall, Aunt Heather’s pillow cases, the bowl I painted this summer sitting on my desk....
October 2010
21 posts
7 tags
Confronting the past
[Trigger warning: this post vaguely discusses emotionally abusive relationships.]
So… I’m writing a paper for my therapeutic writing class where we have to explore a memory with as much sensory detail as possible.
I’m writing about a really fucked up friendship/sexual relationship I had with this girl in middle school, and it’s way harder than I thought it would be....
3 tags
dreams
I dreamed last night that I was measuring myself and every part of me measured 1 inch no matter what I did.
8 tags
Home
This week is not going well. I’m not good at drama. I hate drama. And when drama manifests itself, especially in the space where I live, I get uneasy and anxious, which is just a breeding ground for negative thoughts. And stomach aches.
Fortunately, I have the privilege of the option to go home next weekend. Pros? Getting the fuck out of dodge, a Halloween party with my awesome...
7 tags
Mondays
[Trigger warning: this post discusses the aftermath of sexual violence]
I have a hard time watching the leaves change color and not thinking of you. Sometimes I am so caught by the world. I step outside and forget to breathe, only know how to say, “Beautiful.” But then you’re there, at the back of my tongue.
I want one day where I don’t think of you. One day without...
epicleicaness asked: Can I say I think you're a hero for surviving?
I hear the term "rape victim" being used a lot around. I consider any woman who is alive and living to be a rape SURVIVOR, not a victim. I think it should be a term of empowerment.
I'm sick of all the views that go around, about how rape is the woman's fault, how she should be ashamed because she...
I hear the term "rape victim" being used a lot around. I consider any woman who is alive and living to be a rape SURVIVOR, not a victim. I think it should be a term of empowerment.
I'm sick of all the views that go around, about how rape is the woman's fault, how she should be ashamed because she...
5 tags
“On Punctuation
not for me the dogma of the period
preaching order and a...”
– Elizabeth Austen
is speaking to me now
16 tags
How Do You Fuck a Fat Woman? by Kate Harding
[Trigger warning: this post discusses sexual violence and includes violent victim-blaming and statements and statements of fat hatred.]
(This is one of the essays in “Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World Without Rape. It’s long but worth reading. And if you’re interested, this article and a couple of others in the book are available to read online at...
13 tags
10 tags
Why sharing is important...
[Trigger warning: this post discusses sexual violence]
These are some thoughts on why sharing my story and experiences afterward is important to me. They’re not very complete or figured out, but this is how I feel today.
After I was raped, I didn’t tell anyone. That’s not exactly true… I distantly and awkwardly explained it to 2 of my friends from the national...
2 tags
“Survival is not an academic skill. it is learning how to stand alone, unpopular...”
– Audre Lorde
The Master’s Tools Will Never Dismantle the Master’s House
(via coco-dreams)
Audre Lorde=automatic reblog
Hot Fat Girl Manifesto →
sugaredvenom:
Because being a hot fat girl is a lot of work and is undervalued or unrecognized. Because a fat girl still has to pay more money for uglier clothes or spend 11 hours at the thrift store to find anything hot to wear. Because if you take the elevator, people think you’re lazy but if you’re on the…
emilyychristine asked: You are amazing my dear. I too am a rape victim. I attend school with my rapist and sometimes I wish that I had passed out, died, anything so I wouldn't have to wake up screaming, wake up crying, wake up sweating. Run the other way in school, go out to my car and see he parked next to me, throw up at the sound of his voice. Let's be friends. I'm trying to surround myself with fellow...
11 tags
What I want my words to do to you
[Trigger warning: this post discusses sexual violence and the aftermath]
I want my words to paint your heart the color of my grandmother’s. I want my words to show you who I am the way she sees me. I want them to pierce your heart with the pain she would feel if she knew what you did to me. I want them to make everything you eat for the rest of your life taste like her tears.
I want...
whocaresaboutblogsanymore asked: What exactly is a Trigger warning? I read a few of your posts and I've never heard of them. Would you be kind enough to fill me in so i could get a basic gist of what this is all about?
9 tags
FuckYeahChubbyGirls, Take 2
After having time to digest my recent experience with the FYCG blog (see my previous post), I feel I should write up a follow-up post. FYCG did end up responding to my response, after all…
tryingsurviving asked: I don’t think you understand what a trigger is. I’m not asking for a trigger warning for mentioning suicide, but the post I’m referencing described a suicide...
10 tags
FuckYeahChubbyGirls has a problem understanding...
So last night I checked my tumblr feed surprised to see a potentially triggering post from FYCG describing a suicide attempt as well as statements from a previous abuser posted without a trigger warning. I sent them the following request:
“I think you should put trigger warnings on posts that describe suicide attempts or other potentially triggering topics. Link to them instead of posting...
Anonymous asked: how do you react when someone tells a rape joke?
10 tags
If I Knew Your Names
If I knew your names, just once, I would never forget them.
If I knew your names, I would carve them into the walls of every room I’ve ever been in.
If I knew your names, I would find you and follow you and tell everyone who saw you or talked to you what you are.
If I knew your names, I’d say them to you in such a way you could never forget my voice and never think of your names...
7 tags
First Therapy Appt. Reflections
I met my therapist yesterday. She’s nice but doesn’t process nodding, so I have to say “yes” a lot.
I was really nervous and explained to her that I think therapy is really weird because I’m telling a complete stranger about the most personal experiences I’ve had (which I guess is pretty much what I’m doing on tumblr too…). I was also worried...
September 2010
15 posts
9 tags
The Big T
[Trigger warning: this post contains somewhat graphic discussion of the aftermath of sexual violence.]
I’ve been having a lot of really negative thoughts lately, in spite of my efforts to figure out myself again and to stop my rape from being the central point of my existence. I’m really confident one minute and then the next feel like none of my friends actually like me and like...
16 tags
A letter to their mothers
Mothers,
I think if you knew, you would cry.
Or you wouldn’t believe me. But then you would still probably cry, wondering how someone could make up something so terrible about your sons, and you would cry out at that tiny drop of doubt somewhere deep, at the base of your brain, trying to spread upward.
I don’t know what kind of mothers you were. Whether you forgot their birthdays...
10 tags
Triggers
[Trigger warning: this post discusses a trigger and what happens when I’m triggered]
I hate being triggered, and I hate it when people talk about triggers as if they’re no big deal. Walking back to my mod today, some random guy said, “Hey, blondie,” one of the charming nicknames one of my rapists used that night. I didn’t respond, but immediately felt ill and so...
agirlzzstory asked: I believe our stories are similar. Rape. Pregnancy. It's nice to know i'm not the only one. Your blog has brought tears to me eyes, but its a good thing. Thank you so much.
16 tags
Who is responsible for the suffering of your...
[Trigger warning: this post discusses sexual violence]
Why does my mother have to suffer? Why can’t she wake up every morning smiling, her bedroom smelling like springtime, her hair pressed into curls by pillows and sleep? Why does my mother have to know the suffering of her own mother? Why do I know that she knows these things?
When I was a child, I never knew that my mother knew her...
17 tags
The Things I Would Say if I Could
[Trigger warning: this post discusses sexual violence and miscarriage]
I was raped.
I would say this to my Grama. I would tell you I know how it feels. I was raped, and so were you. We can hate them together. It’s easier when you’re not alone. I was raped. I would say this to my Grama if I didn’t know how much it would hurt her.
I think I had a miscarriage.
I would say...
18 tags
Anniversaries
[Trigger warning: this post discusses the aftermath of sexual violence]
Every day is the anniversary of my rape. Every day is the anniversary of my miscarriage. Every day is the anniversary of when I realized I don’t feel safe anywhere. Every day is the anniversary of learning my body is not my own.
I can not remember the last time I woke up without fear. Dates don’t matter. I...
10 tags
slight rant
[Trigger warning: this post describes a non-consensual situation related to the aftermath of sexual violence]
so… school just started up again and the folx I live with and I had a small get together that turned into a giant gathering and was really overwhelming but all right. At the beginning of said gathering, however, I saw someone I knew from last year and hadn’t seen yet this...
feralfags asked: this blog is defiantly a gutsy one to post. I read every entry, and was floored by the honesty of them. Amazing! I am happy that this exists and that you are so motivated to help others heal. Solidarity Autumn
20 tags
13 tags
nightmares
[Trigger warning: this post has somewhat graphic descriptions of nightmares relating to sexual violence]
I’m in the grocery store with my mom. We’re in a narrow aisle looking at boxes. A man comes up and puts his arm around my mom’s shoulders. She doesn’t react. I look at his face and recognize him from the sex offender’s registry. I scream. A lot. People...
15 tags
What I would do if I saw you on the street
[Trigger warning: this post discusses the aftermath of sexual violence]
To any of my three rapists:
If I saw you on the street, I would want you to recognize me. I would want you to meet my eye and hate yourself. I want to be a bitter taste in your throat, a lump you can’t swallow.
If I saw you on the street, I would melt into the sidewalk. I would duck behind a bush. I would blend...
August 2010
7 posts
stopthesilence-deactivated20100 asked: I love your writing. It's beautiful, and I read your posts over and over again because they make it easier to cope. Thank you, and stay strong beautiful xo <3
16 tags
Today I'm glad I survived because...
I love my little brother. Our dad already left him, and I’m glad I didn’t. He started school today and is still in high school. Sometimes I forget how young he is. If I had died that night, my brother only would’ve known me for 13 years. I want to be here for him his whole life. I want to watch his graduation, hold him when he cries, tell him he deserves more than what our...
25 tags
A letter to my femmeness
August 14, 2010
Femme Fabulosity,
Most days, I love you straight down to your sweet, fierce core of supple awesomeness. I love having 11 or 12 orgasms and then painting my toenails for you. I love the look on my mom’s face when I tell her my armpit hair makes me feel beautiful. I love the way you make me walk, a little differently in every outfit, adding some attitude in the right...
18 tags
A letter to the one before me
[Trigger warning: this post vaguely describes sexual violence and anti-queer hate speech]
August 2, 2010
Dear someone,
In case you need to hear it, I forgive you. If you didn’t need to hear it, know I never blamed you because what happened to me was never your fault.
I know what it’s like for your own voice to feel like something that can destroy so much. I know how talking...
14 tags
A letter from my anger
[Trigger warning: this post discusses sexual violence]
August 13, 2010
Hey scum,
How fucking dare you?
This is my body. Get your dirty hands off of it and back the hell off. If you don’t get that knife away from my throat, it’s going straight through your eye. GET OFF.
Learn some respect for someone other than yourself. You have no right to touch me. You don’t own me. ...
20 tags
A letter to the daughters of my rapists
[Trigger warning: this post discusses sexual violence and suggests descriptions of domestic abuse]
August 12, 2010
Dear daughters,
When I met your fathers, they did not see me as a person. They saw a dyke, a cunt, a fat whore, a virgin. They saw nothing. I think of them and don’t see people. I see beer, rough hands, dicks. I see blood. What do you see?
I hope you see joy.
I hope...
15 tags
a letter to the egg fertilized by one of my...
[Trigger warning: this post discusses miscarriage and sexual violence]
16 July, 2010
Dear Egg,
I think of you every time I bleed even though I don’t know if you actually existed. I think about you every time I have a stomach ache and don’t know the reason. I think of you at night; you keep me awake. I think of you every time I try not to think of you, which is all the time. ...
